Unapologetic Desire
Unapologetic desire is rare
I ran a little survey of my coaching colleagues.
28% said that most of their clients didn't know what they wanted, at the start of coaching.
72% said that their clients realised during the coaching journey that actually, they wanted something different from what they'd originally thought.
0% started coaching with clear desires that remained the same throughout the coaching journey.
ZERO.
Clarity and consistency of desire is rare indeed.
And it’s not our fault!
We grew up swimming in the waters of the patriarchy, which demands that little girls learn early to suppress their own desires, put the needs of others first, conform with the collective.
Imagine if you could be completely open and free and clear with yourself about what you really want.
Imagine if you could experience and master the skill of unapologetic desire.
This is the realm of Venus, whose very being is infused with the capacity to know what she wants. (And it’s not her job to go out and get it - that’s the role of action hero Mars).
Our culture has no positive role model for Venus. No wonder we’ve suppressed that dangerous, gold-digging, desire-oriented part of ourselves!
Getting cosy with your own capacity for Unapologetic Desire is a crucial part of dismantling the patriarchy in your own head. And it’s a crucial part of identity shifting - the process of BECOMING the version of you that you came here to be.
Activate YOUR Unapologetic Desire
If your own desires have been tangled up and hidden in amongst the tapestry of outside voices or systems of oppression in your own head, it's not surprising that sometimes unapologetic desire seems like a distant dream.
Unapologetic desire is simply the art of having a clear and clean relationship with your own sense of desire, and with your desires themselves.
That's it.
It's not about the fulfilment of those desires (that’s the next step, and the role of Mars)
It's not about relying on the fulfilment of those desires for your own emotional wellbeing (you can have things on that list which can never be fulfilled - because leaving them out would be a lie)
It's about the peace that comes when you give yourself permission to articulate to your own self exactly what you want.
For some people, it's enough to simply know this, in order to get those knots untangled, amp up the volume, and experience unapologetic desire.
But not for most of us.
So here is my simple how-to as a starting point.
Steps to Unapologetic Desire
Imagine meeting with your own capacity for Unapologetic Desire, and articulate (to yourself, to your brain, to your own capacity for desire) that - perhaps after YEARS of suppressing the truth - you're now ready to listen. Make it a literal coffee date, or an imagined get together. Make it quiet and gentle and full of compassion for yourself.
Start creating your UD list, consciously not censoring. Your brain will come up with objections like “that’s too hard / that’s impossible / I don’t know how”. When it does, jot them down in a SEPARATE place and say ‘thank you brain, duly noted’ - then keep going with the list. You can look at those objections later and they will be a great place to do some reframing or make some new decisions.
How to make the list:
use pen and paper if possible - ideally have a little notebook dedicated to this work (your UD list will keep growing and changing, so give it space!)
an easy starting point might be to look at what you don't like, then think about what you want instead
everything counts - the seemingly trivial as well as the deeply profound; the things you know you can have, and the things you know are impossible, and everything in between; the things society approves of and the things it doesn’t (remember, this part of the process is not about fulfilling those desires so you can write anything)
you can explore the desire behind a desire (for example, a desire for ice-cream might actually be a desire for luxurious sensory experience - put them BOTH on the list)
take lots and lots of time - if your spirit of desire has been suppressed a long time, it will take her a little while to feel safe enough to speak the truth. And that’s okay.
Need more help?
It’s time to grab my DIY online training which will help you get ally Venus on board, walk you through this process step by step by step, and give you tools and strategies to navigate any barriers that get in the way.
